Just the Meanest:
Dachshunds are the meanest li’l dogs, they give my whole family nightmares. My son is plagued by visions of nightmare dachshunds that chase after him and nip at his ankles with their sharp teeth. We held a seance in our home about a month ago, and I think our dark magic summoned them from the pits of dog hell to our house. I’ve tried countless times to find a local priest that will exorcise my home, but none of them want to deal with these damned dogs.
Sausages With Fangs:
They’re like little furry, fanged sausages, these nightmare dachshunds. I often see red eyes about a foot off the ground in dark corners of the house, and I know to stay away. Once, my family had to evacuate the home for a full week. When we returned, there was dog fur and deer carcasses everywhere. I’ve been cleaning blood off the floors since, and keep finding intestines in odd places. Because of the dogs and the literal bloody mess, I haven’t been able to have guests over in ages. I used to be a fantastic hostess before this dog infestation.
Please Help:
I want my pre-nightmare dachshund life back. The children are scared, my marriage is on the rocks, I no longer hold cocktail hours in the salon, and I’m tripping over bloody demon dogs when I get up in the middle of the night to use the loo. If you know a priest, or someone who can successfully sage a home, please contact me at (206) 867-5309. Any help with this problem would be greatly appreciated, and I’m losing hope quickly.
Media Enquiries:
If you’re interested in my story, and would like to contact me for a television or radio appearance, or even (best case scenario) a book deal about my ordeal, please contact my editors, Trash Kween von Hippel. Thank you!